The beautiful and damned
by EmbraceTheMystery
Summary: Kinej fluff: Kaz has a nightmare and doesn't know what to do.


Another day, another job. Kaz Brekker always woke up in the early hours of the morning. He knew the sounds of Ketterdam before the merchants made their way to work and the tourists crowded the Stave. The strange music of the harbor workers and the last drunken fools returning to their inns. He had learned to love these quiet hours in the morning. It was when he felt the most grounded. Ketterdam had raised him, the bastard of the Barrel, but he had never quite gotten used to life in the city. He missed the absolute quiet he had known as a child. Maybe he just missed being a child. He had talked to Jesper and Inej about his cravings and they had both agreed with him. Ketterdam was never quiet and it had been disturbing for all of them.  
So Kaz slept light and woke up before everyone else in the Slat. Except for Inej, when she was there. When she was there she always got up shortly after Kaz. Most days Kaz would open his door slightly and she would slip in and keep him company while he worked. They didn't talk a lot. Sometimes Inej got up and got coffee for them, sometimes Kaz asked her to do something that day. One time, Kaz had told her about a nightmare he'd had.

Kaz had had the same dream every night for two weeks. In the dream, he was in the harbor, swimming for his life, all alone, while the reapers barge floated behind him, with Pekka Rollins steering the boat. Every night, no matter how fast Kaz swam, the boat caught up to him and just as it was about to ram into him, he screamed and woke himself up.

After a couple of days he had spent two days without sleeping and Inej had noted his irritability. When he had needed to sleep a few hours the next day the nightmare came back. In the morning, Kaz woke up in a cold sweat and felt his injured leg twitching. He got up and went to Inej's room. She woke up when he opened the door, knife instantly in hand. When she saw that it was him, she put the knife away and motioned for him to sit down on her bed. He sat down on the foot end, stretching out his bad leg. Inej hugged her knees to her chest, facing towards Kaz.

"What's wrong?" she asked. She knew that Kaz would not come to her if it weren't serious, but she also knew that it wasn't urgent because he hadn't spoken yet. Kaz's eyes swept over Inej's small room. He twisted his hands in his lap, still debating with himself whether he should tell her what was bothering him.

"It's not important," he said. _It's killing me,_ he thought. He knew Inej wouldn't believe him, but he was too proud to tell her.

"Well, you're here. I know something's bothering you. I've got all day, but I'm not going to beg you to tell me what's wrong. Every man is a slave to his own pride, Kaz." Inej replied. She drove him mad with her Suli pseudo wisdom. He knew she was right. Eventually, he had to tell her. It was his problem, not hers and talking to her would be the only thing that helped him. He turned his face away from her and recounted the dream that had been plaguing him.

Inej listened patiently and considered his words.

"Do you think if there was a way that spirits could communicate, that Geordie would try to talk to you?" she asked.

Kaz was irritated that she would respond to his troubles with a question, especially since she knew that he didn't believe any such thing. But he had asked for her help, so he would go along with it.

"Yes."

"Do you think it would be like the dream?"

Kaz had to think for a moment.

"No. He wouldn't come after me."

Inej nodded.

"Exactly. I think the dream is your guilt trying to tell you that it was your fault that he died and that you should be dead too."

Kaz looked at the floor. The words stung. He did feel guilty, but he also blamed Geordie. He drove a hand through his unkempt hair.

"Do you want to take my hand?" Inej asked, gently.

Kaz didn't answer but laid his hand on the bed with an open palm. Inej linked her warm fingers through his.

"It's not your fault." She whispered.

Kaz looked at her.

"I'm a terrible person, Inej. I deserve to have these dreams. I don't know if I want them to stop." He admitted.

Inej bit her lip. She had never seen Kaz this vulnerable, not even when he was wounded.

"You don't deserve it. It's torture. You are a man who does what he must to survive. And you have me for morality." She smiled.

Kaz didn't want to hear it, but he knew she was right.

"Thank you," he loosened his hand from hers. "Wanna get waffles?" he asked and Inej nodded.

That night, before going to sleep, Kaz walked past Inej's room. Her door was open and she was sitting at her desk, writing into a journal. He leaned against the door frame and looked at her. She knew he was there but didn't say anything. Once she had finished writing, she closed her journal and turned to face him.

"What is it?" she asked.

Kaz did his best to relax and sound nonchalant.

"I was just wondering if you might perhaps… want to sleep in a room with a better view… like for example… my room."  
Inej smiled. She knew exactly what Kaz wanted.

"Of course. I'll be right there."

Kaz would never admit it to anyone else, but he wanted Inej to be there. They didn't touch. They just slept next to each other. But Kaz didn't have a single bad dream since.


End file.
